Jun. 20th, 2017

anaisninja: me and bitsy (Default)
Okay so after kind of losing my schitt last week, things are getting better as far as headspace. Despite my body aching in that third shift exhaustion kind of way.

Even with the goddamn well pump checking out yet again this weekend, even with the Tuesday program I couldn't do because nobody bothered to get Nova's anklets on over the weekend. Guess when nothing of note gets done? Sigh.

Monday I brought French toast casserole and brownies like a goddamn boss. I also brought my leather daddy hat and reprimanded Joe Nathan for not texting me happy father's day for the lulz. New volunteer helped out on grounds, as did Chelsey's bf, so that didn't suck. Somehow I stayed up too late Monday night again, and was hurting the following morning.

I have to not do that on Tuesday/Wednesday. Need to try doing that list of things to get done before interwebs and see how that goes.

Tuesday actually did not suck. David G brought in French toast casserole after reading the recipe on Linda's facebook haha - I put mine back in the fridge and said nothing about it, he didn't need to know. I think his turned out better anyway. George and Suzanne gave me a pair of feather earrings that they got when visiting the tribe out west, which made me feel something humble and nice. Just when I think nobody gives a goddamn. I need to keep giving a goddamn and ignore the fuckery around me.

Speaking of fuckery, I have the awful suspicion that Dana is going to jerk me and possibly Chelsey around on giving the okay to FWRA for scholarships. She knows DP already fucked me over on last year's conference and that I could really use the help. If she makes up excuses why, I'm going to call her out on it. She couldn't be supportive of me or happy for me when I attended last year, even though it directly benefitted the organization. She was just pissed that she didn't get to go, and pouted every time the subject came up.

Jealousy is an ugly, ugly thing. It colors so much of what she does with other people and things in her life, too. Man I need to stay on the lookout of anything in my own behavior that might involve jealousy. Shit is poison.

In decent news, I talked to my dad about fixing the doors and window on the mews; he's going to write up some directions for me to walk me through - he may also find a way to get back down here to help me out. My dad is awesome like that.

Also makes me feel something humble and nice. Awesome also is my bro buying my plane tix out to pdx for a visit in August. Finally picked out some goddamn dates, gonna do it. Will feel good to get my head out of this place for a while. Taking off two weeks this time, instead of the usual 5 days. I really need to reset my head as far as the tunnel vision of eat breathe sleep birds.

This trip may also have the side benefit of giving my coworkers a wakeup call of how things run when I'm not around to oil the machine. Or maybe not. I kind of hope they get it though. Tired as fuck of being taken for granted.

Took a walk through the mangroves with C. after work Tuesday. Storm coming in, tide low, hints of red tide. Random goofy ass bedbirds wandering around. Homecrows all over the place. Freckles and Speckles the storks wandering around working the Catholic guilt like they don't have to because they know I'm a fool for them. Birds make it all worth it. Hoping I'm going to have my shit together by mid August so I can get my hawk on ASAP. I hope I get this shit down. I hope I'll be decent at it and make my falconry peeps proud.

I am excited and honestly scared in equal proportions.

I wish it wasn't $250 for neurofeedback to try and rewire my brain to bust through the bullshit that always comes up every time I try to do something worthwhile.

Seriously though, I'm not done.

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anaisninja

August 2017

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