Driving MJ home from the mechanic on Wednesday, and derping alongside the road where I always look just in case but did not think I would find - unexpected little blue. There was a swallow-tailed kite on the same stretch of road the next day. These are an encouraging sight for sure. But I'm not sure if I'm in a mindset that's open to encouragement right now. My head won't stfu about all the things I wish had worked out on the way to finding the next kind of goodbye for Qua. I don't know if there's a such thing as the perfect death. I really wanted to try for him, though.

Still feeling the phantom limb pain that comes with the loss of a cat. Still random ass crying spells throughout the day. Contemplating buying a small deep freezer for home, which I have thought about before for falconry food storage, an entirely practical purpose, but goddamn the walk in at work is such a comfort to me right now. Hell, I don't even know how much one is. Buying one used seems sketch since you never know what vermin may have taken up residence inside the electronic bits. Fucking Florida problems, man.

Finally got the camping mat that I ordered two weeks ago. The one I was going to use to sleep on the floor next to Qua. I immediately filed for a return as soon as I saw wtf it was, shipping costs be damned. It's only going to remind me of horrible things. I think the last time I was that angry at an inanimate object was when I got mad at a stick of butter pre meds. I'm supposed to send it back in a box, and the first one I pulled out from under the kitchen table had three dead palmetto bugs inside. You know what, I'm gonna leave them in there. Have some souvenirs from Florida, you late ass motherfuckers. I didn't even have to collect them, they were just in there.

Completely apathetic about tomorrow's festivities. Fuck the big billionaire bullshit bill and everyone who voted for it. I don't know if it's gonna fuck with my insurance at all, but I know my bro's gonna end up losing his. People are just cartoonish levels of evil about this shit, and I hate that it's going to hurt so many people, but I do sincerely hope it hurts the fuck out of the dumbfucks who voted for this bullshit to own the libs. The leopards are going to be needing Ozempic, even if Medicaid doesn't cover it.

This Saturday I'm gonna make an effort to clean through some of the random ass piles of stuff that have been building up in the front room and under the kitchen table. I already sorted through the bathtub and under that bathroom sink, and made a bit of a dent in the front room. I'd like to do more. I can think about where a cat could fit - or where a hawk could fit - but I can also think about what I do and ddon't want to hold onto in the event of moving the fuck out. Because I eventually am going to have to move tf out. Hopefully to Oregon with a job in the works, but you can never be too sure what's going to happen next. I worry about MJ. I worry about what will happen to the house if something happens to her.

Gonna try to dig in a little more at work next week and maybe pull out some of my program materials to share with S. I'm so fucking apathetic about work right now, it's not even funny. This is a decent job, and I have an opportunity to do something interesting with it. I was just going through the motions while I was caring for Qua these past several months, but I have a giant ass gaping hole where that effort was. Staying up late has come back to me naturally enough. Not waking up at 4:30am isn't as much of a problem as I anticipated either.

I finished People School a couple weeks back, but there's still a wealth of material for me to work with and learn from. There's the alligator story I need to do something with, in particular while I am living in Florida. I should also rattle SR's cage about maybe getting together again. That Thai place we went to was excellent. I wouldn't mind some more noodles.

Eight months to the day from when I had to say goodbye to Ish, I had to bid farewell to my Qua.

His last round of blood work looked good, save for the anemia. The vet said it could either be an autoimmune issue, which should already be taken care of by the prednisolone, or a bacterial issue. They were still waiting on the lab results to determine if it was bacterial, in which case doxycycline should fix him right up. But his skin was jaundiced, his appetite was poor, and he wasn't getting around well, his legs seemed to bottom out on him. Sunday morning he climbed up onto the bed to give me cuddles, and actually got out of my room to walk around the house. I had been giving him the antibiotics that I was given at Fetch, and hoping they were working and that he was starting to feel better.

But when I woke up this morning and put my hand on Qua, I could tell things were not right. He was so weak. I gave him his meds, then I carried him up into bed and held him on my chest. He relaxed into my arms and purred, and I sang to him until the next med alarm went off. He started to move like he wanted to get up, so I helped him on down. I got up and looked up the vet that S had told me about, called to see if they took emergency visits. They did, I described what was going on with him, and said I would be on my way in.

I feel I was misled by our regular vet. He made it sound like this was something that could be easily resolved. When they did an ultrasound at the emergency vet, they said his belly was full of fluid. Apparently liver values can still show up as normal when in end stage failure. This I did not know. She said he was suffering, and I didn't need to hear anything else. There was only one call to make, and dammit, I thought I had a little more time, but it was time now.

I wish I'd gotten him another Popeye's Chicken Sandwich. I wish I'd brought his favorite blanket. I wish I'd been able to do this at home.

When the tech brought Qua to me wrapped up in a blanket, I could tell he was scared, and I knew there was only one thing left to do. I sang to him again. I sang the same song I've been singing to him for months, sang it as best as I could while trying not to choke up, while the vet gave him the meds to help him go. Maybe this is the Chiquago I've been singing about all this time? It didn't take him long to go. He was ready, and it was time.

I've been mourning Qua for close to a year; since I found out I would probably lose him to kidney failure, since before his brother passed in October. I've gotten a lot of crying out of the way, but I reckon I still have some more to go before it's out of my system. I queued up XTC's English Settlement on the way home - Qua seemed to really like that album whenever I played it - and I got the feeling from it that I had before. That it would keep my head above water. Between losing Qua and my bro losing Navaan, I'm gonna need all the help I can get.

Because I knew I would just sit at home getting morbid in my head, I went into work. Probably scared tf out of the new hires since I just shaved off my eyebrows. Asked L if he thought his dermestid beetles would be able to handle something larger than a rabbit skull. He doesn't have enough yet, but there's places I could find where I could do such a thing, according to my bro. Burying him doesn't feel right, not right now. At least I can keep him safe in Frank's deep freeze while I figure it out.

I stopped off at Quick Point Park after work, to see the rock wall where I had first found Ish and Qua some sixteen years ago. Maybe to see if another little face poked up out of the wall. I could go to the shelter for sure, but I kind of want to see if the Cat Distribution System has anyone in store for me.

I don't want to think about going to bed. Mostly I don't want to think about waking up at 4:30am alone. I really hope the CDS finds my sorry ass sooner rather than later. Surely there's a kitty out there who could use some love.

Rainy season is back, with the usual afternoon torrential downpours to cool things down. Flood plain across from the sanctuary is full of water, but not as full of birds as it has been in the past. I reckon the saltwater killed a lot of what lived in the soil, whatever it was that the birds were after. But the soil must be recovering, because there was a handful of birds foraging together today, including a little blue. Hey you.

Not sure where to direct that since it feels like the worst situations have concluded. My poor bro's dear friend passed, somewhat suddenly, with unexpected amount of internal tumours. Ding dong the witch (or rather witches) are dead - A and C have both left the goddamn building, and we won't have to be dealing with their bullshit any more. I'm caring for Qua the best as I can with a terminal diagnosis. Maybe save it for a rainy day? I treasure my rainy days, though.

Sent another letter to babygirl last week lol. More colugo pics and artificial colugo folklore. I told him that I looked for the real thing but was unable to turn up anything legit, so I was gonna make some up and hope real colugo folklore would eventually find its way to me. I think I did a pretty okay job with what I made up. I wrote up some rituals for how to appeal to Colugo to carry a message for you, one of them might be one that he could actually pull off in prison. I don't know if that will get my shit confiscated, hopefully not. It's not like I'm giving him directions to make a bomb, it's writing your secret wishes on paper then folding them in to airplanes to glide like Colugos. Getting it to somewhere green will be the hard part. That might be something he could find on the way to court. How do I even think up this shit lol.

The next step is to write some colugo folktales.

I really need to watch it with the Red Bull. Last night my head was buzzing with it until 2AM. I had this problem several weeks back when I first started with the folklore. My brain kept crunching on colugo stories, which wasn't awful.

One idea I had was with Colugo trying to escape Eagle, and using different kind of fruit trees to foil Eagle's plan. Like Eagle tries to catch Colugo in a durian tree, but it's too smelly for Eagle to get near. Or Eagle tries to catch Colugo in a tree that's got sticky seedpods that would stick to their feathers or something. The last tree will be a mango tree full of monkeys, so Eagle gets a meal and Colugo gets to live another day. I think I can work with that one if I can track down the right trees.

The only tree I have fairly solid confirmation of as colugo fuel is the durian. Which I guess is iconic, but egads are they smelly! I found some at Detwilers market a few weeks back and smelled it to see if it was really that awful. It didn't smell like corpses, it just smelled very strong and not very pleasant. I didn't have thee gumption to buy it and try it, but more power to people who do.

Another idea I had was for explaining why Colugo is nocturnal. It might involve how Colugo got their patagium - maybe they pulled their skin over like a blanket to sleep in late, and eventually it got big enough they could cover their head and block out the sun. Or maybe they discover night blooming flowers and decide that's their favorite thing to eat, and it beats getting up early trying to compete with all the other animals eating the flowers Colugo would eat. I think I can work with that one, too.

I really hope homes got both letters, and I really hope the powers that be let him have the pictures to go with it so he can see what an actual colugo looks like. Mostly I hope the wtfery of it makes his day a little more interesting and inspires him to become an admirer of Colugos. Because everyone should know about Colugos. Even alleged CEO assassins.

Visit with Qua's gp today. He was very optimistic about what he saw, even with the diagnosis from Fetch. Qua has gained weight, is eating without the assistance of mirtazapine and without needing anti-emetics, his pancreas enzymes are normal, and his liver enzymes are only slightly high, which may very well be from the prednisolone. He recommended a B-vitamin combo supplement for the minor anemia, and said his jaundice had lessened since last he saw him. I wasn't expecting any good news, just an overall check in on his lymphoma diagnosis and discussion on palliative medication. It was a nice surprise.

Qua's been like velcro with me, which he usually is after a vet visit. He's also been loving up on his beloved water fountain, rubbing his little face on it and sleeping with his paws around it. My god he loves that fountain. He now has a second one, since I had a mishap with the first after trying to clean it at 3 fucking am lol. I let it dry out for a day. It works just fine now. But because Qua was so obviously distressed by the lack of moving water, I couldn't handle the guilt and ran out and bought him a new one. So now the new fountain is in the front room, which has already gotten Qua to visit a couple of times. I figured out how to turn off the light on the old one, so I'm keeping that one in the bedroom. Now Qua can have moving water all day and night, and I can sleep. If he wants to see the blue light that much, he can visit the front room fountain.

*****

How to petition a colugo to carry a message? This depends upon your intent. Are you seeking good fortune - a better job, a new home? Are you facing a challenging endeavor? You will want to collect fresh mango leaves to give. If you want to find a sweetheart, bring red flowers. Maybe you want a child - one that's sweet, clever, strong. There's different kinds of fruit - tangerine, jackfruit, durian - that you can offer.

First of all, you must gain the attention of the colugos. A commonly accepted gesture of goodwill is to plant a tree. Any tree that grows tall and strong will do. Find a seed pod and plant it in a place along a forest edge on a night with a full moon. Keep in mind it's not enough to simply plant a tree and let nature take its course. It's important to care for the tree. This is your connection to the colugos and it takes time to build trust. Bring the tree water if the soil is dry. Make sure it has enough space to get sun, but also is close enough to other trees to be protected by their shade when the sun is too hot. Tend the colugo's tree for a month - from when you first plant it, to the next full moon - before you make a request and place your offering.

If you have a message for the dead, plant your tree in a cemetery, especially if your loved one is buried there. Write your message and cover it with white flowers.

Should you find yourself in a place with no colugos, there are still ways you can make your case to them. Take a piece of paper and draw three trees on one side. It doesn't have to be fancy, the colugos won't mind. Write your request on the other. Fold it into a paper airplane. Find a trusted friend to come walk with you. Fly the plane to them and ask them to take it, still folded, to a place unknown to you. Even if you don't know where the plane ends up, the Colugos will know where to find it.

Finished Son of a Witch this weekend and picked up the third book in the series to read over the weekend with Qua. Sitting in bed with him and reading just feels all kinds of good. Not sure how well I'm liking A Lion Among Men so far. Brrr the lion is kind of annoying af, though Sister Yackle is still pretty great. The mauntery in general is fun. I'm hoping Liir and Candle show up later on, along with the little green bean. I was kind of lukewarm on Liir, but he's better than Brrr. Maybe he'll grow on me.

Qua's holding steady so far, so good. He's clearly feeling very good, judging from his behavior and body language, which is a big relief. Mainly because I know he's getting some well deserved relief right now, also so I have an idea of what to look for later. He hasn't been as velcro-y in bed, as far as wanting to be held most of the night. Which I miss a little, but I guess it's good to know that when he wants to do that, he's probably feeling off keel. He mainly curls up at the foot of the bed and immobilizes my feet, which is a very classically cat thing to do. He does always check in with me for some squeezins when I first turn off the light, and before I get up.

Work is...work, I guess. I'm getting all the things done, more on task than usual, mainly so I can get done early and get home to my baby boy. Nobody's been giving me any shit about it. I don't know if bossmang is gonna get after me when he starts with the one on ones, but I'm just gonna be straight and say look, my homie's got lymphoma and I'm basically doing hospice care for him, have a goddamn heart. I don't anticipate having to go there, but you never know. He emailed us pdfs of the drama triangle again, and I'm here thinking, for real man? Bro told me this kind of thing is like astrology for corporate types, so just humor him and play nice. God it's so stupid though. It makes me think of the fear-love exercise from Donnie Darko.

I made a simple card for S's birthday a week or so ago, with two night goblins on it around a fire with skulls on sticks, and I've started drawing them just for fun now. The yellow-crowned night goblin has a spear that he carries around, and it seems to give him great purpose. I was gonna have the black-crowned guy carry a basket, but it seemed to lack the necessary edge. My bro gave me the idea to give him a little candle lantern. And that seems to fit better. He can walk around all naturally hunched over looking like Led Zeppelin IV.

Still working on the colugo folklore for Luigi. Lol. Haven't figured out an actual story to tell yet, mainly it's just setting up how to summon Colugos and what you can ask them for and whatnot. I'm thinking after getting a framework all worked out, a story will start to grow out from that. I'm kind of thinking something about out-gliding a Phillippine eagle, but I'm gonna need to end it with the eagle also having a non-colugo dinner otherwise I'll feel bad. They're endangered af.

What little folklore I have been able to track down about Colugos has been inconclusive without citations at best and AI generated at worst. I found one website in Malaysian that I was excited for, but when it started going on about what the colugo symbolizes in South America and Africa, I began to have doubts. If rattling this off into the void is what it takes for real colugo stories to rain down upon me like "take your white colugo-appropriating ass back to the swamp and have intimate relations with an alligator" I count it as a win.

My search for specifics on the diet of the colugo also came up short. In general they feed on leaves, buds, shoots, flowers, sap, and fruit (the Phillippines colugo also consumes insects). I was hoping to find exact species so I could reference them for separate purposes The only particular I was able to find was a reference to durian, which is notorious for its noxious scent.

That said, the following folklore is a work of fiction, a product of the author's imagination, and not intended to be a substitute for the indigenous cultural practices of southeastern Asia. Any similarity to the traditional folklore of any existing cultures is unintended and purely coincidental.

As far as I can imagine, the colugo is considered a messenger. They carry the intentions and dreams of the living, and they carry the messages of the living to the dead. If you ever come across a colugo during the daytime or on the ground, it is considered good luck to help it back into the forest. It's also good luck to see a colugo in the trees, but is considered poor etiquette to interfere with them, as it may interrupt any errand they might be attending. Of course, it's unspeakably bad luck to interfere with a colugo who may be en route.

How to petition a colugo to carry a message? This depends upon what you intend.

Gonna come back to this later. Gotta rattle off some other entries before I lose track of them. I will come back, though.

For the last couple of months, one of the credit cards I have had been pestering me about signing up for their zero interest in 2025 promotion; I had gone ahead and signed up because they seemed really intent about it. Which I'm glad for now, because this now means that Qua has his own dedicated card. I don't generally carry a balance, but after two totaled cars, a new hybrid battery, and a couple months at the ketamine clinic, my emergency fund is pretty well run dry.

Honestly I have been mourning Qua ever since I got the news about the potential kidney failure in September of last year. It hasn't taken much to push me into tears these days. I vacillate between breaking down and soldiering through. I don't know why I pulled XTC's English Settlement out of the collection on the way up to the specialty vet, but I'm also very glad for that. It's keeping my head above water. And Qua seems to enjoy it, too. <3

Getting an appointment at the specialty vet was a task; the first doctor my regular vet recommended at Blue Pearl was booked up into mid April. I low-key broke down on the phone and had to hang up when they asked about administering CPR in the event of cardiac arrest. My nerves are fucking shot. Fortunately Fetch in Brandon was able to get me in March 31st, which was at least a little better. If Qua's going downhill as fast as Ish did, April is going to be too late.

The nice folks at Fetch offered to put my name on a list to call in case an earlier appointment opened up, so I took them up on it, not thinking anything would come of it. Extra glad I did because I got a call on Friday letting me know they had something open up on the 24th! Monday morning. I was happy to take it. That's early enough to maybe make a difference, depending on what's going on.

Qua was a good man about the drive up to Brandon, and was a great patient, too. Everyone at Fetch was super kind and easy to deal with. They did an ultrasound on his internal organs, and took a couple of - aspirations? Some kind of minimally invasive biopsies. He stayed still the whole time so long as there were head scritches. Such a good boy.

The internist obviously knew her shit, and seemed to work under the impression that whoever she was talking to knew her shit as well - which was a bit confusing when trying to parse out what exactly she was telling me. I felt like I mostly got it, but wasn't necessarily picking up everything she was putting down. What I did understand was while his liver didn't look enlarged, it looked a little rough on the ultrasound. His spleen was a bit enlarged. His pancreas was looking very rough. Trying to get a biopsy on that wasn't possible without sedation, but the feel I got was that there wasn't a whole lot they could do to treat it, even if the pancreas was involved.

There were a couple of things it might be. Lymphoma for one. Also another thing called triaditis, for which the vet gave him antibiotics. She also hooked us up with some prime anti-nausea meds, which I only have to give once every 24 hours, and which I was going to ask for more of, until I found out they were over $20 a pill lol. Homie takes his zofran like a trooper, thank goodness, (and the Walgreens tech was thankfully able to get us a huge discount on those). Vet said what I had been doing with the anti-nausea meds and appetite stimulant were the best course of action I could take in the meantime. Keep him comfortable. Keep him happy. That's what I've been aiming for.

March already. Goddamn.

Gonna actively work on this month not sucking as hard as the last one.

Qua seems to be doing well, still taking his medicated tidbits like a boss, though we won't know if they're having their full effect until we do labs in a few weeks. He's eating well, he's getting around the house, he's not being so reclusive, being a giant love bug as soon as I get home from work. I am kind of getting sucked into being a chair potato just chilling out with Qua. Things seem to be going okay. Seem to be. My brain won't shut up about not knowing how much time we've got.

Spent the morning with Qua in bed, reading Son of a Witch. Pleasant times.

One more box of Spravato at the clinic with my name on it. Thinking it might be time to shake things up. Need a couple weeks to get it on the schedule and see if MJ can give me a ride.

Might be starting Zymfentra in a few weeks too. At home infliximab injection instead of 2.5 hours of infusion at the clinic. It sounds really good to me in theory. The phone nurses are super nice and thorough, the list of side effects is a little jaw dropping, though I imagine it must be similar to Remicade. Have to keep it in the fridge and get a sharps container. That's something different. It's got to be better than getting jabbed at the infusion clinic though. Right?

Bought two preparatory four packs of fancy ass Belgian beer in anticipation of work meeting this Tuesday. I can't think of anything I've done to piss anyone off in the past several weeks. I've been playing exceptionally well with others, where playing is required. Unless they're gonna dredge shit up from January, I should be okay. I don't trust my boss for shit though, I'll say that much. Nobody's feeling particularly good about going into this meeting, given how poorly the last one ended. Glad I wasn't there to see it.

Vision Video is back in town next week on Wednesday. Which is my day off and should be easy enough to get out there, but it is also Wednesday and I'll need to have my ass into work Thursday morning. It's not like I ever sleep well Wednesday night anyway. I should just fucking go.

What I need to do is write about Colugos. Autocorrect just autocorrected 'colugo' to have a capital C, so it's Proper Noun Colugo. And well it should be. It's been almost exactly a year since I first learned about Colugos. I want to write to Luigi and tell him about colugos.

Do you know about Colugos? Because you should know about colugos. Let me tell you about Colugos.

They are a placental mammal that lives in the jungles of Southeast Asia, measuring between 14-16 inches long and weighing between 2 and 4 pounds, about the size of a small cat. There are two extant species, the Sunda (or Malayan) flying lemur (Galeopterus variegatus), who can be found throughout Indonesia, Vietnam, Myanmar and Singapore, and the Phillippine flying lemur (Cynocephalus volans), who is found *drumroll* in the Phillippines.

The name is deceptive, because they do not fly and they are not lemurs. Thin skin called a patagium stretches between their head, limbs, and tail, and it allows them to become airborne and glide for impressive distances, as far as two hundred feet/70 meters, from tree to tree. They are not related to primates, but they're as closely related as you can get without being an actual primate. Call them primate adjacent. That's where you would find them on a phylogenetic tree. Our common ancestor split off between 75 and 80 million years ago.

Colugos are alternately described as a nocturnal and crepuscular; they have large eyes with excellent depth perception that help them navigate in the low light conditions of the jungle. They are an arboreal creature that lives in the canopies of trees; gliding and climbing are their primary means of movement. Once thought to be insectivores, they are in fact strict herbivores, feasting on leaves, flowers, fruits and shoots. Colugos have the peculiar comb teeth that the lemurs they are not related to also have. You may find unforuntate videos of them in places they should never be, like on the ground in the daytime, where they look like living nightmares and freak people out. I feel sure that there is a wealth of amazing folklore about Colugos, but it appears that it has yet to make it online. Maybe you can write a colugo story of your own!

Hell, maybe I should write one.

It's been a goddamn week.

Started last Sunday, which was a rough week already. Got my dumb ass footed by one of the rehab hawks, clawed up both of my hands real good. As deep as some of the punctures were, I knew shit was gonna get infected with the quickness without antibiotics, so I skipped tf out of work early and got my ass to the urgent care clinic on the island.

I start explaining what happened to the woman at the desk, and she's like "So do you have your workman's comp number?" and I'm like "uhhhhh" so my dumb ass has to call work to see what to do. J doesn't have any more of a clue than I do, has to call B (exactly what I didn't want to have happen), his take is for me to just pay for it and deal with the charges through workman's comp later. I'm not waiting for them to straighten shit out when I've got a giant puncture wound. Lady at the desk is like, I won't tell if you don't tell, so. I pulled a cat bite out of my ass to get in the door so I could get some goddamn antibiotics. Not my proudest moment, but nobody's gonna believe I got attacked by a hawk unless it's my goddamn job. And my job can't get its act together enough to do the workman's comp thing right. Fuck it.

Got in and out of the clinic in record time, just about an hour. Got in and out of the pharmacy in record time, like ten minutes. So that was a bit of luck there. God my hands were a painful ass mess. I knew I wasn't going to be able to fill out paperwork since my right hand wouldn't stop bleeding. And come Monday, nobody gave me any paperwork to fill out for an accident report anyway. I got a text message from the insurance company later that afternoon, and that was it. No phone call or nothing. Weird.

Whole week ended up being situations of stress resolving themselves relatively quickly. Saw the hematologist to get my blood work back, things are stable and looking decent. I asked if I could go 6 months between blood work, and doc was cool with that.

Took Mizu in for their first oil change since I got them, which I knew they definitely needed since the dash was informing me that maintenance was needed soon. Took it to the Toyota dealership since I'm now terrified of taking it to a regular oil change place and having them overfill it or otherwise fuck something up in it. And they got it done fast for pretty fair price. I was told all the fluids looked good, and things generally looked fine. Nobody tried to sell me up for anything. That was a nice surprise.

Hardest situation was Qua not eating his crunchy food since the start of the week, and not eating his wet food at all Wednesday night. Bit the bullet and took him to urgent care after work Thursday, vowing I would absolutely take him home for at least a night if things were dire. The techs and vet recognized me from last time when I had brought poor Ish in, and they were extra kind to me.

I said Qua had stopped eating the beginning of this week, was still using the litter box, not vomiting, and prone to kidney problems according to the genetic test my regular vet. They did his blood work, good news, his kidney values were looking great. Not so great news, something has his liver upset, values just bumped out of normal range into the high zone. They got him some SQ fluids and B vitamins, and sent me home with some ointment to rub in his ears that is supposed to help stimulate his appetite, some anti-nausea meds that he took exactly once and has not been okay with since, and the name of a couple OTC supplements that are good for the liver.

I ordered those on chewy as soon as I got home, got Qua settled in and went back out to grab some kitty groceries. I bought a bunch of tasty blob fuel and pill pockets at PetSmart, and when I got them home, Qua was waaaaaaay more interested in the pill pockets than I'd ever seen him in any treat before. Decided I would just feed him a bunch to get him used to taking them.

Pit of despair when I got the pills in Saturday, and they were fucking huge. Way too big to fit into pockets. At least one of them was way bigger than I could reasonably get down Qua in one go. Urgent vet sent me home with a bunch of syringes and had recommended grinding up the meds, suspending them in liquid, and administering them that way. So I gave that a try. It was a lot. I did give it a try, and was not successful; Qua spit up most of it and hid under the bed for most of the afternoon. I tried mixing one of the powdered pills in with food, just to see if it wasn't too bad, but that was a big thumbs down too.

Made another trip to PetSmart for a pill pusher, and damn it all, it was made for dogs. I decided to wait until Sunday morning to try getting meds into my guy since I'd already traumatized him this morning. This damn pusher was so large that the one pill I wanted to get into Qua got stuck in the tip. Pit. Of. Despair.

I was going on about my hump of trouble and sack of woe to my osprey homie K, and she suggested cutting the pills into smaller pieces and putting those into the pill pockets. When she got her tonsils out, she cut her meds into pieces and snuck them into her applesauce lol. I thought that sounded like a good idea, so once I got out of work, I picked up a pill cutter at the drug store. Cut the smaller of the pills into quarters, pressed them into the pockets and said a little prayer.

Finally hit some luck when Qua scarfed down three, then all four of the pill pockets! I was so grateful I wanted to cry. Texted K thanking her for the advice. I don't know if I'll keep getting lucky with this approach, but for right now, for today, I am happy I got some medicine in him. I think I'm starting to understand what one day at a time really feels like. I don't know how fast liver problems progress, but in the meantime, I'm going to spoil the fuck out of my little man as much as I can. <3<3<3<3<3