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Dec. 1st, 2024 07:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
anaisninjaUnexpected little blue on the way home from work today. Always a welcome sight. Hopefully things will be on the up and up this month.
Small nagging things and fuck ups that keep tugging my brain. I just want to forget about them already, put space and time in between them and just let them disappear. Not so easy when there's physical reminders. I do the best I can most of the time, but sometimes it feels like I'm just not trying hard enough. I could do better. My brain is letting things slide and I don't know why. Is it the ketamine? I hope not.
One fun thing from last ketamine ride: one problem coworker turned into a fish marble, was eaten by one of the cormorants, then promptly shat out. That's about as much regard as I need to give to her, according to one part of the universe. She'll get scraped up with the rest of the shit and dumped in the yard waste sooner or later. Pay her no mind.
One unfun thing from last ketamine ride: they upped me from the starter dose to the maximum amount, and I'm not sure why they were so keen to get me on that, because it hit even harder and took longer to come down from. I felt icky and out of sorts all that evening, head still buzzing and vertigo pulling at me in the morning when I got up. I ended up calling into work. I felt bad having to call out on a holiday, I would much rather be there with my birds. They did fine there though, K even sent me a picture of the black vultures playing with their paper bags.
Had Thanksgiving dinner with the fam downstairs in the afternoon. C and C were there, they had recently gotten back from a trip to Japan, we all wanted to hear about that. I wanted to specifically know what all the airfare and tour cost, just to have some idea of what I will need to save up and what to tell my sisters when we figure out a time to go. It's about when I suspected. It's something I can save up for, especially with tax season and a holiday bonus on the way.
I want so much to get the fuck out of this country and experience something that's not whatever this place is. I wish I'd had the money to travel when I was younger. Paycheck to paycheck living fucking sucks. This is the first time in my life I've had some extra money, and even then it's only because I'm living in a place that's not charging me the market rate for rent. So many things I need to save up for though. Having an emergency fund, having money for moving, having money to travel. As much as I love working with the birds, it's not like it's a real job that I can take with me anywhere. In so many ways it still feels like I'm waiting for my actual life to begin. It's awfully late in the game to still feel that way.
One thing I've done right, and can fall back on when I feel lost, is Qua. Things ended painfully with Cleo, and too quickly with Ish. Things should have ended much sooner with IZA. I'm just hoping I can get a few good years with Qua before we have to part ways. He's back up to the normal dose of fluoxetine, and has been more outgoing, at least for him, when I get home from work. I like seeing him out on the chair or out on the bed. He's curled up next to me right now. I don't take a second of this time with him for granted. I watch him twitch while he dreams, listen to him snore lightly as he sleeps. Most likely he'll crawl up to my pillow when I go to bed, and collapse in my arms the way he does when I go off to sleep. Best cuddler ever.
I don't know that he misses his brother, but he definitely wants to spend lots of time with me. <3
Small nagging things and fuck ups that keep tugging my brain. I just want to forget about them already, put space and time in between them and just let them disappear. Not so easy when there's physical reminders. I do the best I can most of the time, but sometimes it feels like I'm just not trying hard enough. I could do better. My brain is letting things slide and I don't know why. Is it the ketamine? I hope not.
One fun thing from last ketamine ride: one problem coworker turned into a fish marble, was eaten by one of the cormorants, then promptly shat out. That's about as much regard as I need to give to her, according to one part of the universe. She'll get scraped up with the rest of the shit and dumped in the yard waste sooner or later. Pay her no mind.
One unfun thing from last ketamine ride: they upped me from the starter dose to the maximum amount, and I'm not sure why they were so keen to get me on that, because it hit even harder and took longer to come down from. I felt icky and out of sorts all that evening, head still buzzing and vertigo pulling at me in the morning when I got up. I ended up calling into work. I felt bad having to call out on a holiday, I would much rather be there with my birds. They did fine there though, K even sent me a picture of the black vultures playing with their paper bags.
Had Thanksgiving dinner with the fam downstairs in the afternoon. C and C were there, they had recently gotten back from a trip to Japan, we all wanted to hear about that. I wanted to specifically know what all the airfare and tour cost, just to have some idea of what I will need to save up and what to tell my sisters when we figure out a time to go. It's about when I suspected. It's something I can save up for, especially with tax season and a holiday bonus on the way.
I want so much to get the fuck out of this country and experience something that's not whatever this place is. I wish I'd had the money to travel when I was younger. Paycheck to paycheck living fucking sucks. This is the first time in my life I've had some extra money, and even then it's only because I'm living in a place that's not charging me the market rate for rent. So many things I need to save up for though. Having an emergency fund, having money for moving, having money to travel. As much as I love working with the birds, it's not like it's a real job that I can take with me anywhere. In so many ways it still feels like I'm waiting for my actual life to begin. It's awfully late in the game to still feel that way.
One thing I've done right, and can fall back on when I feel lost, is Qua. Things ended painfully with Cleo, and too quickly with Ish. Things should have ended much sooner with IZA. I'm just hoping I can get a few good years with Qua before we have to part ways. He's back up to the normal dose of fluoxetine, and has been more outgoing, at least for him, when I get home from work. I like seeing him out on the chair or out on the bed. He's curled up next to me right now. I don't take a second of this time with him for granted. I watch him twitch while he dreams, listen to him snore lightly as he sleeps. Most likely he'll crawl up to my pillow when I go to bed, and collapse in my arms the way he does when I go off to sleep. Best cuddler ever.
I don't know that he misses his brother, but he definitely wants to spend lots of time with me. <3
